Acceptance

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

- Carl Rogers -

I was first introduced to the person-centred approach when I was retraining to become a therapist. This approach suggests that if the therapist is able to create an environment with certain conditions, this will be sufficient for clients to find a resolution for their issues. These so-called core conditions are empathy, unconditional positive regard and congruence.

While there is quite a bit of debate in the therapeutic community as to whether these conditions are all that is needed, there is a growing consensus that they are key ingredients for effective therapy.

In this post, I would like to focus on one of the core conditions – unconditional positive regard – and discuss how it can contribute to healing and positive change.

Carl Rogers (1961, p.283), the founder of the person-centred approach, describes unconditional positive regard as “a warm caring for the client - a caring which is not possessive, which demands no personal gratification”. In other words, expressing unconditional positive regard to a client means showing appreciation and care without judgement or expectation.

A synonym that may not capture the full scope of this concept but gives a good enough approximation is the word ‘acceptance’.

The idea behind unconditional positive regard is that when we feel accepted for who we are, we can accept and understand ourselves better and find the best answers for ourselves.

If a therapist can convey to you: You are beautiful the way you are, inside and outside, and your feelings, thoughts and behaviours are normal and understandable, this opens things up, creates breathing and thinking space.

All of a sudden, clients seem less concerned with defending their position, justifying their decisions or guarding their feelings. Instead, they can focus on figuring out what they are actually struggling with.

It creates space for action, too. As a client, if I can look at myself with appreciation and understanding, I can trust myself more to make good decisions for myself. I can worry less about upsetting others because I know I will be OK, whatever happens. If certain people cannot relate to me, others can. If certain people question or criticize what I do, there are others who understand me.

In writing this post, I am taken back to my own therapy experience of grieving a romantic relationship. It is a great illustration of the paradox of acceptance.

I recall delving right into my feelings about the breakup and how I noticed that these feelings had quite a grip on me in my everyday life. I remember my therapist listening patiently, no matter how many times I came back to the same feelings, and responding with warmth and understanding.

Of course, this relationship was important to me, and this was unlikely to ever change. Of course, I would continue to remember and care for this person. I felt soothed, I felt understood. Finally, someone who didn’t tell me to move on.

Looking back, it still fascinates me: Just as I was given ‘permission’ by my therapist to hold on to my previous relationship, I was able to let go. Just as I came to really understand and accept that this relationship will remain a part of me for as long as I live and that I don’t need to forget or suppress or get over it, I could move forward with life.

We are a product of our experiences, and that of course also includes our relationship experiences. And yet, while knowing this conceptually it really helped me to hear it from my therapist: There will be a connection, a bond, a shared history, a sense of care as well as loss and grief until the end of my days.

And I have found that this holds true both personally and in my work with clients for any meaningful relationship, irrespective of how a separation comes about.

Similarly, what I notice within my clients is that if I focus on understanding their reasons for thinking, feeling and behaving in a certain way and accept the status quo, they feel free to move forward. And many times, they suddenly find the energy to do so because there isn’t any expectation or pressure on them but instead the freedom to act.

Different to friends, colleagues, romantic partners or family members, as a therapist, my role is to be on my clients’ side and to support them where they are. Sometimes, this means facilitating change. Sometimes, it means maintaining the status quo or helping them to explore where to go next.

Client autonomy is a key guiding principle here that I often return to. While I can empathise with my clients’ feelings, I am not the one actually carrying them around with me and feeling them. With all the best will in the world, I cannot know exactly how heavy or painful or distressing they are. And as such, it is only my clients who can decide what to do about their situation. My role can be to highlight, to remind, to encourage. However, fundamentally, my clients are the ones who need to make and live with their decisions.

One of the things I like to talk about with clients in this context is the concept of readiness: How ready are we to make a decision or to take the next step? For any given situation, acknowledging that we are not quite ready and for that to be OK can be liberating.

I remember talking a lot about readiness when retraining to become a therapist. It was very comforting to hear from my fellow therapists-to-be that they felt equally nervous and not quite ready to face fee paying clients. And it was incredibly useful to explore with our tutor when we think we might be ready and what we could do to increase our readiness.

At the time, the most important point was that I felt no expectation on me to be ready. Instead, I could explore openly what I felt I needed to get there, and I could take my first steps with the support of my tutors and peers. I remember that there was no question that felt too stupid to ask and no reservation that was too strange to mention. And the honest conversations we had then are still fresh in my mind as if it was yesterday.

Many life decisions are truly daunting, especially because we couldn’t possibly know what awaits us on the other side of that decision. This is why I encourage my clients to take time to reflect and prepare in any way that may seem beneficial.

And since it is your own life after all, you are and remain the very best person to decide when and how to move forward, no matter what anybody else - including your therapist - may tell you.

Reference:

Rogers, C. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. London: Constable.