These days, we are often so ‘de-touched’ from our very own bodies. It seems that many times, we are engaging our mind at the expense of our bodily awareness, whether this relates to our posture, sense of hunger, comfort or body temperature for example. We may use apps that inform us about the quality of our sleep, our heart rate or our steps rather than feeling into our body for aches, tiredness or tension.
Especially in the winter months when we are covered up by layers and layers of clothing, it can be hard to stay in touch with our own bodies and those of our loved ones.
One of the things that particularly puzzles me is how we appear to be much more likely to take medication with considerable side effects rather than to explore what touch can achieve first. Whether we have muscle cramps or stiffness in our body, a headache, itchy skin or constipation, why not apply some targeted touch?
When a new child is born into this world, we try to give them skin-to-skin contact at the earliest opportunity. We are being told that this is essential for newborns in order to regulate their temperature, breathing and heart rate. We learn that skin-to-skin reduces stress for both baby and parent, that it helps them to bond and that it comforts baby through the familiar sound of the parent’s heartbeat and voice.
How does skin-to-skin contact achieve this? It is through the release of oxytocin, which is one of the body’s feel-good hormones. Oxytocin is often called the ‘love hormone’ since it plays an important role in sexual arousal, recognition, trust and romantic attachment. Conversely, low oxytocin levels have been linked to poor social functioning and depressive symptoms.
If skin-to-skin contact is so crucial right after birth, how come we seem to lose this focus as our children are growing up? And what about us adults? If oxytocin decreases stress and anxiety and promotes relaxation, trust and overall psychological stability, shouldn’t we give touch some more consideration?
If we understand the power of this love hormone, making a case for regular physical relations in any couple relationship seems like a no-brainer. However, as I described above, oxytocin is not only released during sex. We are also creating it in our body when we are cuddling or when we are stroking ourselves or each other. Therefore, let this be an invitation to look for ways of incorporating more touch into our lives.
While we may differ in the way we enjoy or seek physical affection, touch is one of the key ways in which we can express and receive love. Time and time again, I am being told by my clients that physical affection is a vital part of establishing and maintaining emotional connection. And when it is fading or getting lost all together, it can have serious consequences for our relationships.
How tactile we are often has a lot to do with the level of physical affection we’ve grown up with. While some of my clients have many fond memories of being hugged, stroked and cuddled by their parents, grandparents or siblings, others only experienced touch negatively, as a form of punishment, or felt a real sense of physical neglect as a child.
Over the years, many adult children have told me that they would have wished for more physical affection from their parents. This highlights to me that we cannot assume that just because we feel we don’t need touch as much, our partner or our children won’t need it either.
One of the great aspects of touch is that it is a way of connecting with our loved ones that doesn’t require words. This makes it a great option for anyone who may struggle to find the right words or for particular moments when we are simply lost for words, for instance when there is grief, sadness, restlessness or anger.
And given its benefits, why not use this colder and darker time of year to see if we can bring more touch back into our life and that of others. Here are a few ideas:
Using touch for ourselves
- Massage
Whether you are treating yourself to a massage of your choice with a trained massage therapist or prefer the more flexible and low-cost option of self-massage, this is a great way of relieving muscular tension and enhancing well-being. If you are booking yourself a massage, don’t be shy to ask about the different types of massage on offer and be sure to let the massage therapist know whether the pressure applied is too soft, too strong or just right. After all, this is supposed to be a positive and beneficial experience for you, and everyone has different preferences. When it comes to self-massage, this is literally at our fingertips. Many people hold a lot of tension in their shoulders, which we can easily massage ourselves, whether with our hands or other massage equipment. Equally, if we are prone to cramps or water retention in our legs, self-massage, for example in combination with different massage oils that support blood circulation can make a real difference. Another easy way of integrating self-massage is to take a few minutes of massaging our head when we are applying shampoo in the shower or bath.
- Self-pleasure
This is a topic that clients sometimes feel self-conscious to talk about. And while it may be something that we may not make enough time for, it can bring all the aforementioned benefits of touch as well as moments of sheer delight. However, self-pleasure is not only about orgasm or release. It is also about learning what feels good. This means distinguishing between those physical sensations that we experience as pleasant and stimulating and those that don’t do it for us or may even feel painful. Every body is unique, and so are everyone’s erogenous zones and physical preferences. How can we expect others to know how to touch us when we haven’t figured this out for ourselves yet? Pleasuring ourselves is thus as much about being able to care for our own sexual needs as it is about bringing greater enjoyment to our physical relations with others as we can show and tell them what feels good and what turns us on.
- Stroking ourselves
Gently stroking ourselves can be great for self-soothing. While it may feel odd at first, this is something we can easily do in the comfort of our own home. For example, stroking our hands and wrists can be a beautiful gesture of self-appreciation and can be combined with soothing or affirming self-talk. If you are finding it difficult to stroke yourself, an easy way in can be the application of different skin care products, for example body lotion. Whether you are doing this from time to time to pamper yourself or as part of a regular skin care routine, this practice can also help with developing a greater acceptance of your body as you are able to experience it in a positive way. Especially if you have an ambivalent relationship with your body, you can use these self-care moments to notice different parts of your body that you like or at the very least feel neutral towards.
- Applying localised pressure
When applied in a very targeted way, touch is not only about creating pleasure and comfort. It can also be a really useful tool to alleviate tension and itchiness and to induce relaxation. If you are suffering from itchy skin and eczema or are prone to picking your skin, try firmly holding or squeezing rather than scratching your skin. Even if it feels very difficult at first to resist the temptation to scratch, with practice and self-discipline this can become a habitual response and is much better for the skin than any steroid creams. Localised pressure can also be helpful in other ways, for example to reinvigorate your face or stimulate different body organs by pressing particular acupuncture points. Another practical example is progressive muscle relaxation where a sequence of targeted tensing and releasing of different muscle groups in the body induces physical and mental relaxation and thereby reduces anxiety.
Using touch with people we care about
- Giving a hug or a kiss
For many people, a hug or a kiss is part of a ritual of saying hello, good bye, good morning or good night. If this applies to you, see if you can give the hug or kiss more mindfully. Hug more tightly, kiss more softly, if that feels comfortable. For others, hugging or kissing can be a more spontaneous expression of care or affection. For others again, especially when used by a parent with a younger child, a hug can be a way of soothing pain, tiredness or restlessness. A hug among friends or romantic partners can give strength by communicating: I am here for you, I value you, I hold you. For some people, a silent hug can feel erotic and may initiate physical intimacy. Whatever the hug or kiss symbolises for you, it creates a physical connection with another person and allows us to check in with their body. If you are finding it hard to know when your partner, friend or family member may want a hug or kiss, you can encourage them to ask you for one when they need it.
- Holding hands
Holding someone’s hand can have many meanings. I often hear about it from clients as a way of affirming a romantic relationship or a friendship, for example when walking together in public. It may say: You are my romantic partner. Or: We are best friends. Or it may signal different family relations. Parents may hold their young children’s hands to cross the road or to stabilise them when they are learning to walk. However, there are many other reasons besides these more declarative or practical ones. A number of clients have told me that having some form of physical contact with their loved one, such as holding hands, helps them to manage their fear of rejection in an argument. In these situations, the physical connection reminds both partners of the emotional one and can prevent arguments from escalating. Similarly, some people find that holding someone’s hand can create focus as well as soften the blow when delivering bad news. Gently touching someone’s hand or arm can also be a sign of sympathy, for example in the context of bereavement or illness.
- Dancing together
This doesn’t have to be a formal dance class or a whole night out in a club. It can also happen spontaneously at home or at a party to a song you like. As with the aforementioned forms of touch, dancing can be sensual or platonic; it can be among adults or children. It may involve a lot of body contact, or it may be a group dance for the whole family or at a children’s party where only hands are occasionally touching. Whatever form of dancing you choose, what is most important is that you and everyone else involved is comfortable with the level of touch. There are many traditions and rituals involving dance, whether they relate to different life or seasonal events. This makes dance something that cannot only create connection with one another in the present but can also connect us with our ancestors and origins. Considering what I described above, it may come as no surprise that dancing features prominently in societies with the longest life expectancy.
- Other body contact
Whether it is in a more targeted or in a more extended form, any kind of gentle body contact can be beneficial, as long as it is consensual. As parents, the most effective way to help our young children recover from a bad cold may be to go right back to basics: to snuggle up in bed together and have some proper skin to skin time. While this may not be the most exciting way to spend the weekend, it can shorten a child’s recovery considerably. However, we don’t need to be unwell to give each other physical attention. Several clients have shared with me how they enjoy spooning with their partner or resting on their partner’s chest. This isn’t all that different to what we do with newborns. If this feels a bit too close and you need to find your way back to your partner’s body first, you may want to start with something a little less intimate such as a relaxing foot massage. What matters is that we only offer what feels comfortable and what can be appreciated by the other.
If nothing else, I hope that this post serves as a reminder of how important touch is in our lives, from the moment we are born to the end of our days, and that it is worth exploring with ourselves and our loved ones how we can enjoy more of it. By incorporating touch more frequently and more intentionally into our lives, we can reduce stress and anxiety and promote greater harmony and well-being in our relationships.