There can be many reasons why we may choose not to have children, and they will inevitably be linked to our own unique life story. With this post, I would like to make my - admittedly very small - contribution towards reducing the stigma around deliberate childlessness. As with other areas of stigma, I would like to promote greater openness towards and acceptance of different viewpoints. Especially given my understanding of the trials and tribulations of parenthood and the impact of the parenting we receive, I am in favour of a world where having children and not having children are both options that are equally valid and respected. I would even argue that, depending on our circumstances, deciding not to have children can be the more responsible choice.
I first experienced a woman talking very clearly about her decision not to want to have children when I was a young adult in the UK. This was several years before I retrained to become a therapist. Coming from a society that heavily endorsed a two-children household, this was utterly unusual to me. Without noticing or questioning, I had come to adopt the view that settling down and having (two) children was ‘the thing you do’ as an adult. On closer exploration, I learned that this woman’s mother had died at a young age. Having suffered a lot of pain of losing her parent at such a young age, she had concluded that she would never want to expose another child to such a risk of loss.
Over the years of working as a therapist, I have met a number of men and women who have been certain that they do not want to have children. I also got to know many people who are undecided but may lean more towards not wanting children. There may be the view that while not being very keen themselves, the situation may look different if a partner felt particularly strongly and was willing to take on the lion share of the parenting.
Other clients have expressed the view that while not wanting to have children of their own, they would be open to adoption, fostering children or entering into a relationship with a partner with children from a previous relationship. Some people feel quite strongly that due to overpopulation, not having children of their own is the right and ethical thing to do. They argue that there are already enough unhappy and troubled people on this earth.
In my therapy room, I have especially heard women tell me that they feel stigmatised for not wanting children. They say it feels as if it makes them less of a woman, that being a woman would automatically mean that they would need to have an intrinsic desire to have children. They feel that it creates distance with other women who don’t believe them or wonder what is wrong with them. Sometimes, they are even asked if they cannot have children and just don’t want to admit it. This can be infuriating.
Pressures to have children can come from different directions. There is first and foremost the couple relationship where one partner’s decision not to want children can drive the relationship to breaking point. Sometimes, one romantic partner may be undecided or want children at first and later change their mind. While views can change over time, this is a particular difference that may seem impossible to bridge. That is why, in my view, it is crucial that this is one of the points that are discussed at the very start of a long-term romantic relationship.
Pressure to have children may also come from one’s family of origin. In particular, many people feel pressurised by their parents’ wish to have grandchildren. Often grandparents-to-be see potential grandchildren as a source of great joy in this stage of their life. In some cultures, having grandchildren gives status and is associated with having done well for oneself in life.
Pressure can also come from society as a whole. Many societies have very strong norms around marriage and children, and some faiths actively promote having many children. Similar to the ideology of my country of origin, having children may be regarded as the main focus as an adult and may give purpose to people’s lives. It may be what most adult conversations centre around. This can make deliberate childlessness an extremely difficult choice.
So, what if I don’t like children? What if I am not very well able to manage my anger and don’t want to expose any potential children to it? What if I struggle to take care of myself, let alone anybody else? What if I have difficulties relating to others on a reliable basis? What if I have health issues that I am worried to pass on to my children? These are only some of the questions clients bring to me in therapy.
Parenting is not easy at the best of times, and as many parents will agree, it involves a lot of sacrifice. So having buckets of intrinsic motivation to start with certainly helps. In addition, there is a lot of harm we can do as parents. This is why, in my opinion, parenting should be a carefully considered choice, not an expectation. In particular, helping many of my clients to heal their psychological wounds from childhood, it is my firm belief that having children just to please our parents is not good enough. This is unlikely to carry us through the dark patches that lie ahead.
Unfortunately, the reality is that there are many people who did not grow up in a loving home. They may have felt like a burden as a child, or they may have experienced a lot of tension or even violence. They may have felt neglected. They may have seen their parents argue a lot. And they may recognise similar tendencies or characteristics in themselves.
While we all have a lot of capacity for change, it doesn’t mean that it’s easy. This is why it is encouraging for me to notice the increasing awareness in my clients of the challenges they could be facing as parents:
If I already struggle with patience and emotional regulation, maybe I don’t make the best parent, and maybe it’s OK to admit that. Or maybe I feel that being a parent would restrict me. Maybe I want to dedicate my adult life to my passion, my faith or a particular cause that takes all of my attention. Maybe it wouldn’t be fair on my children to parent them half-heartedly. And maybe being an adult means I can finally put myself first, and I am not willing to give this up again.
In my opinion, all of these are valid reasons for deliberate childlessness. While most of us are happy to be alive and cannot imagine not existing, many clients also know what it feels like to be unwanted. Most children sense very clearly if there is love or the absence of it, and this comes with serious consequences for adult life. This is why in my view, in a time where we can choose whether or not to have children, thinking carefully about this life changing event is wise and important. And choosing not to become a parent may be a sign of self-awareness and maturity that I hope we can all be more respectful of.