Facing up to the challenges of parenthood

Pregnancy is one of those moments in our life that invites us to review our own childhood and the parenting we received in order to figure out what kind of mum or dad we want to be. Not surprisingly, it is also often one of those life transitions that brings people to therapy. Many times, there is real fear in my clients to reenact familiar yet unhealthy patterns of parenting they experienced as a child. And even if there is a clear intention to do things differently, with the lack of appropriate role models, that is much easier said than done. How different exactly? What is a better alternative to what I know? we may ask ourselves.

Then our baby is born and all of a sudden, our world is turned upside-down. We have brought this little helpless being into this world and now he or she depends on us 24/7. There is no letting off. There is severe sleep deprivation and literally no time for even basic self-care – a real test for anyone working on their mental health! And this is especially true for all those women who are breastfeeding on demand. From one week to the next, our identity may shift from being a successful and experienced professional appreciated by customers and colleagues alike to a mere source of food. And even that role we may struggle to fulfil as we have little clue about the intricate workings of our body that are required to ensure a continuous milk supply. How easy it is in this situation to feel like a useless zombie. And that is only the starting point of this difficult journey into parenthood.

Even if we have spent time with nieces and nephews and children of friends, there is no way of really knowing what it feels like to be a parent until we are one. The level of responsibility and worry is unprecedented – and it does not stop. We worry about our child's mental and physical development; we worry about our child's health and well-being; we worry about our child's future – we feel responsible for everything! And we are trying to miraculously balance our parental role with looking after ourselves. We also have needs - needs for mental stimulation, needs for achievement, needs for social interaction, needs for rest and relaxation, to name but a few.

In my many years of working as a therapist, I haven't found a single parent who is not struggling with this continuous balancing act of looking after their children and looking after themselves. Guilt is a common theme here. We either feel guilty for neglecting our children or we feel guilty for neglecting ourselves, or both. Either way, we don't feel like a good role model. There is just no ideal solution to this dilemma. And worse, the context keeps changing all the time. Whether we parent a baby or a teenager – the moment we begin to feel slightly more settled in our role, the moment we think we finally figured things out, our child changes again. What worked so beautifully yesterday may no longer work today. Now if this doesn't train mental flexibility!

In addition, being a parent is a continuous exercise in letting go. After being drafted into this most demanding 24/7 role and being faced with sacrificing so much of our previous life, we are being asked to gradually make ourselves obsolete in the process. Achieving our child's full independence is considered the ultimate goal. And what about us? What about our own sense of meaning and purpose? For many, this aspect of parenthood is particularly painful. And this becomes especially noticeable at different transition points: the start of nursery, school or university, a child's marriage or pregnancy. How do we know how much to empower our children and how much to protect them from danger, how much to advise and assist them and how much to give them the freedom to figure things out for themselves? No wonder parenthood has been described as the most challenging job there is.

Arriving at an answer to any of these questions may require careful consideration and weighing up of individual feelings and circumstances. Personal reflections and conversations with your partner, friends or family may give room for this. Therapy may be another useful space for exploration. While there may be little possibility for answering these questions in a general way, what I hope to achieve with this post is to contribute to an acknowledgement of the inherent challenges of parenthood, especially in current times. If you are struggling as a parent, you are certainly not alone. This is a humongous task, and even more so right now. Whether you are doubting your parenting skills, fighting your way through each day or are feeling close to giving up, please know that many others are sharing these thoughts and a very similar journey with you. Please reach out! What you are doing each day as a parent is so important.